6/19/13

Satellite Primer

Joke #1 - The NSA's initial proposed 1961 PRISM spying strategy: A small "personal secret concierge" satellite would orbit every human at a distance of three feet. It would record the subject's every action and communicate to the Langley, VA home base via a radio transmitter that made a "virtually undetectable, unobtrusive, really loud buzzing sound". This plan was later scrapped in favor of  a slightly smaller six-pound satellite that could "orbit the subject from within the anus".

Joke #2 - In 1961, NASA launched the Walter Probe. The automated spacecraft led to many scientific discoveries, but was unpopular among the public due to the Walter's downgrade in classification from "a planet" to "just this guy over there" after all the data was analyzed.

Joke #3 - The first space probe designed by a rapper, the "Fo Shizzy Mars-nizzy" probe was fitted with  useless "bling panels", despite being totally nuclear powered. It cost over $6,000,000,000 to build, due to numerous budget overruns, and featured many components "sampled" from previous well-known satellites. Also, it refused to collect or transmit any data because "that's just what The Man wants".

Joke #4 - Progressive Insurance's "Snapshot" program outfits the policyholder with a "Personal Detection Device" that "automatically records your good thinking habits" and "creates a personalized insurance rate based on your every action, behavior, and eye twitch".

Joke #5 comes to us from Anonymous, who, if you really think about it would just type their name with the space bar. That would be really anonymous. Thanks, Anon! - Initially, Bob from NASA was going to veto this particular satellite proposal because he didn't like the fact that it needed a stick to hold it up, and he didn't care for all the "arrows with the words" around it. He thought that gave away too much information. When told that the actual device would be much larger and sent into space, he thought that was a much better idea.
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


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1 comments:

Anonymous said...

Joke #5 - Initially, Bob from NASA was going to veto this particular satellite proposal because he didn't like the fact that it needed a stick to hold it up, and he didn't care for all the "arrows with the words" around it. He thought that gave away too much information. When told that the actual device would be much larger and sent into space, he thought that was a much better idea.

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