Doctor Consultation - Take two pencils and call me.

Joke #1 - I'm sorry, Mrs. Vonbronsonson. I've checked your blood work and you have Dumpyourpantsinosis. Actually, the blood test was just a formality. I could smell you from the parking lot. ...and, you can take that chair with you when you leave.

Joke #2 - According to my pencil, you're both dying of lead deficiency. He says you both need to erase the past and move on with your lives, and try to eat more lead. Also, his name is Mr. Scritchy.

Joke #3 - Hmm. Can't get this one crossword clue. Oh, hello Mr. and Mrs. Turnbull! You both have leprosy. You'll be dead in a week. Hey, before you go off and die all over the place, what's an eleven-letter word for "crass or uncaring"?

Joke #4 - Sigh. This is always the hardest part. Mrs. Buckelhenny, you're pregnant. Perfectly healthy baby. Probably a boy. I'd say he'll be a total brat, though. Whiny, spoiled, mouthy. It's hard to explain, so I've drawn this picture of what kind of bratty piece of shit your stupid kid will be. I'm so terribly sorry.

Joke #5 - Well, Mr. and Mrs. Torso, the procedure was a success. You may have some bleeding over the next few days, but this is normal. All that remains for you to do is to go home and learn to live again, without your legs or pelvises.

Joke #6 - I'm sorry Mr. Grundun. You've already had a vasectomy. There's no such thing as "a backup vasectomy".

Joke #7 - Well, you did pretty well on your test, I guess. You got twelve wrong, though, which gives you both a score of....sixty percent. So, it's cholera for the both of you. I'm so sorry.

Joke #8 - Let's see. Thirty-eight years old. No history of cardiovascular disease. Full head of hair. Non-smoker. Clear skin. Good emotional balance. Subtract for some minor mental abuse. Mrs, Beaman, the blue book value of your husband is seventy-five hundred dollars. Brunettes are in demand this year, so we're prepared to offer you an even eight thousand. Let's go out on the lot and look at some of the new husbands we just got in this week! You wait here, Norman.

Joke #9 - Well, these things are hard to nail down, but your test results are pretty clear. You're both total squares. Repressed, boring, and lacking any sense of adventure. Fortunately, this is 1951, so no one will notice your condition for another fifteen years or so. Congratulations. You can pick up your complimentary Mills Brothers record at the nurse's desk.


Sue said...

Mrs. Vonbronsonson looks like she's a Russian assassin and it about to pull an ice pick on Dr. Pencilcase!!

Phil said...

Bravo! Every part of today's offering is rib-tickling, Mr. P-are-G. I was guffawing from the start, with your 'take the chair' joke. Yessir, today's breakfast was fortified with vitamins P, A and G.
As your bizarro self, I tried to muster up my own silly narrative, which never works. I don't remember the scant few, but I recall one had to do with Art Instruction School/ Draw Tippy, and another resulted in Mr. Mann being informed he had a 'severe case of pencils'.
Like I said, nothing I come up with can compete with such comedic gold as, "...so I've drawn this picture of what kind of bratty piece of shit your stupid kid will be." That one triggered an explosion of milk and cereal out my nose, thankyouverymuch.

Dan said...

What lovely man-hands on the Mrs.

Phil Are Go! said...

Doctor jokes are always super easy to do. I credit the material. Thanks for your continued and repeated reading, everybody!

And hey... if you think of jokes, don't forget them. Throw them in the comments so they're not lost in the mists of time!


Craig said...

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Jehosavamsoneron, you can see by the stick figure I've drawn here...uh...hold on...*brrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaapppppp*...hooee. Marge's chili. Who's got a match? HAAAA HA HAAAA HAAA HAAAAAAAAA...where was I? Oh right, your colon.

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