Thad Fastburn


When You Take the Wheel - Stopping and Starting on a Downgrade

LaSalle Extension University - Get schooled on your profile picture.

Poor guy. He's from 1959 and doesn't understand that his profile picture on Outlook makes him look dopey and confused. Maybe that's why his paycheck doesn't grow.

Now, you, on the other hand. You understand that a funny Outlook profile picture can be great for laughs. How bout this confused-looking square, for example? You're no stuffed shirt who can't poke fun at yourself. You've got management written all over you. You're welcome!
Click for 1000 px.



Carsuals - Aah, The Seventies, you do not disappoint.

If you're wearing high-waisted jeans right now, it's probably because A) You're a grandma who last bought jeans in 1992, or B) You're eighteen and you think they were just invented a year ago. Keep waiting for that old wheel in the sky to turn, turn, turn, and before you know it, college freshmen will be wearing striped flares, mock turtlenecks and shiny leather shoes with huge, pilgrim-sized buckles on them, thinking themselves to be very fashion-forward.
Esquire Magazine, 1970. The periodical of the upwardly-mobile douchewad. How do you sell "dress jean flares" to that breed of groovy prick? Easy-peasy. Have two guys looking arrogant next to some kind of European kit car, mostly ignoring a woman with apparent self-esteem problems draping herself over the windscreen, dreaming of getting a little attention from wanker A or B: exactly the kind of man most of your readership want to be. Then, describe the car and the woman in the same kind of statistical detail, just to make it clear that they're both just accessories.

Thanks, The Seventies. You never disappoint at disappointing us.


Checking your spark plugs.


Radio Schedule, June 18th, 1950


The Banjo Duel of the Stuarts


Vitalis - Devo hair and coffee.

Guess what, hair fans? The Pendulum of Hair has re-re-re-swung, and now the haircut your grandpa had is now back in style.... at least among those young enough to think they invented it.

Guys like the square in this Vitalis ad? Well, their patience has paid off, and now your dad's dad is cool again.

Special paragraph for trendy twentysomethings:

Congratulations on bravely inventing the shiny parted-on-the-side hair helmet. We never would have thought of that without you around! Please keep inventing outrageous new styles so we can all learn from you! Here's another participation trophy and a juice box!

Resuming normal communication:

Back in The Eighties, there was a punk band - yes, a PUNK band, not a new wave band - called Devo who satirically wore plastic hair exactly like the guy in this Vitalis ad. It was, like everything they did, a mockery of the blandness and sameyness of their parents' generation. It's kinda funny that that's now cool. Does satire stop working when the subject of your satire returns to popularity? I don't know. I never made it without biting. One. Two Thuh-ree...

There's some nice, harvestable clip arts in this ad. Two coffee people and a guy smearing Vitalis onto his head. It'd sure be nice to have them on a transparent background, wouldn't it? Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE!

That'll do nicely. You can use your rude finger to right-click-save these persons onto your hard drive for a rainy day. What kind of rainy day? Well, maybe the kind of rainy day when someone 'round your workplace needs to be gently reminded that they live in a civilized society with certain understood rules that are part of the accepted social contract, like perhaps taking twenty seconds to make a new pot of coffee after grabbing the last cup? That's not too much to ask, is it? Some would say it is, but those people are sociopaths, and their opinions are suspect. Here's a serving suggestion, but if you get in trouble for using it, I don't know you...