4/22/14

Cadillac LaSalle - Gee, our old LaSalle ran great.

In the opening credits for All in the Family, Edith sings "Gee, our old LaSalle ran great", right before she shrieks the final line "Thoose were the daaaaayyyyys!" with Archie. So this is the car she was singing about. The ad is from 1931, and it's a minimalist eyefull of Deco class. Swing, baby.

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Art Deco generally means pulling your punches and taking the high road. Any time I've been required by a job to do the Deco thing, it has meant leaving a lot of negative space, repeated geomoetric shapes and visual restraint. Notice the large areas of empty space around the ad copy, and the surprisingly small size of the illustration at the top, with lots of breathing room around it. All of these art decisions communicate dignity and grace, as if the ad doesn't need to shout at you to communicate. It's an ad that doesn't care if you read it or not. Cadillac doesn't even need your business. They want you to feel like you can buy some of that dignity if you buy their car. They're THAT classy.

All of that is B.S., of course. You can still be a vulgar prick and have a nice car, as we all know. Somehow, as advertising ruins every tool with overuse and cheapness, Art Deco hasn't been destroyed by the ad biz. It still works as a communicator of calm aristocracy.

Sure, The Eighties did it's best to drag Deco into the toilet of Miami Vice cocaine culture, but somehow it's been able to recover from abominations like this dining room, and the juvenile "more is more" mentality that swept the nation in that decade.

There's a reason mirrored surfaces were so popular in The Eighties. You never know when you'll need another taste of booger sugar. Those weren't the daaaayyyys.



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Miraculously, I can look at the people in this 1931 clip art without imaging them doing rails of blow off the hood of the LaSalle in the ad. Deco still works.





4/21/14

Little Ads - Get it together, man.

Here are the last three little ads just for guys, from that batch that Alert Reader Steve Miller sent us last week. I promise, tomorrow I'll start doing my frikkin job again. Today's batch of ads are all about getting yourself together and getting with the ladies. Am I right, ladies? I said AM I RIGHT? Yes. Of course I am right that this is what these ads are all about. Thanks for the vacation, Steve!

I wasn't aware that a crew cut could be messy. Apparently, someone thought you need some product on that crazy 'do to keep all half an inch of it under control.

Lifts. Yep, they were real. probably still are (jeez, I really am getting lazy these days). And best of all, there's almost no way she will ever find out you're shorter than you seem, as long as you never ever, for any reason, take off your shoes.


Highest standard of living in the known universe, and it could be yours for $150 a month.




4/18/14

Little Ads - Exile in guyville. (Kinda NSFW).

More classy crap for the discerning jagoff today, as sent in by field scavenger Steve Miller. Thanks, Steve! That's two days this week I barely have to take my feet off the desk.

It may be hard for your kids to understand, but at one time, we had to go outside the house to get porn. This ad can help them understand how lucky they are.

Illustrations are serving suggestion only. Facial expression not a guarantee. You may or may not look like a serial killer after ordering Stag Party Originals.

"Has second had golden anodized case." This means the case is probably anodized aluminum (and used?), since very few metals can be anodized. "Golden" does not mean "gold". Anyway, if you're thinking this hard about your new excuse-to-drink novelty watch, you're probably not drunk enough.

Dinner jacket, sansabelts, and pipe not included. Dignity definitely not included.


At least the gentleman who bought this thing has a pistol on the mantle so he can do the right thing when he realizes what a loser he is.

4/16/14

Antiques Creepshow - Something to sleep on.





For all of our readers having trouble failing to sleep, today we bring you a report from an antique store for the criminally insane. Heeeere in the haaal of heeeaaaads.....


When paint ceramic glaze, or some other kind of coating gets old and starts to crack, it is said to have "crazed". ("It has crazed", "It's starting to craze", "This one wheel has lots of crazing around the lip."etc.). This doll head is now crazed in more ways than one, from its cataracts to its Death Valley skin, not even the Quay brothers will touch this thing.



On the bad ship lollipop. 'Nuff said.





Three walls is a good start to this display case. Add a fourth wall, a canvas tarp and some twine. Add burlap, wrapped in hurricane fence, a nice deep hole - and oh yeah! - Add some fire. Refill hole. There. Perfect display case. Now let us never speak of it again.


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Once again The Hall of Heads, by They Might be Giants proves to be a useful song.

4/15/14

Little Ads - Scoundrels only.

In the past, we called them cads, bounders, or scoundrels. But now, they're just douchebags, and assholes like that have always enjoyed products like this. Please enjoy these prurient ads from the back of god knows what pervy publication, all sent in by roving field reporter Steve Miller (no relation, so stop with the "Maurice" crap). Steve, in what sort of places have you been roving? One wonders. This is not to say that you should stop roving in those places, of course! Hat tip to Steve!

Apparently some scumbags get off on seeing girls brutalize each other. Lazy jerk, can't even get off his couch to go find brutalized women.

For those lucky guys who dream of having their eyeballs humped by nude women, and having cauliflower growing out of their earholes. Finally, a way to scratch both of those itches at once.

Some would argue that pulling your punches should be step one in attracting women, but then again, see ad #1, above.

These are perfect, assuming your cocktail parties have no real human women, which, if you're really thinking clearly, is in itself, far from perfect.





4/14/14

Poopdeck Fracas


Joke #1 - "Let me talk to Tenille or I'll let you have it! Where are those muskrats stowed, huh? I said WHERE ARE THEY?"

Joke #2 - Bruce was just about to let that dirty captain have it when he realized his T-square was hanging out, and then they both knew how he felt about him. This changed everything.

Joke #3 - "You call that a loxodrome? You're no captain, you're barely even a bosun! I'll have your stripes when we put in at Milton-Keynes for a resupply and those new ratlines!" Scene from the climactic final battle of "The Astrolabe Chronicles", adapted for children's theater by Admiral Cornelius Hornswicke (ret'd).

Joke #4 - So You Think You Can Punch, Sailor, Tuesdays at 8, on the Bravo network, for some reason.

Joke #5 - "I'll tell YOU when I've had enough gorg... I mean grog!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]



4/11/14

Earle E. Liederman - Get off the Earth!

For unassailable logic and rock-solid assumptions, you really can't beat the advertisements of muscle guys, like Earle E. Liederman, a newcomer to the pages of Phil Are GO! If there's one thing that history has shown us, it's that small guys have never made great changes in the world, and only muscle dudes have ever not gotten off the Earth.

Do you suppose his name might be a pseudnym, to sounds more leader-y? Google doesn't seem to think so. And how bout that? You c an still buy his book on Amazon! Anyway, time to read some long-winded ad copy!