5/28/15

Around the Corner - Spaceship stoplights.

We have a new ancient children's book, thanks to the bravery of the Phil Are GO! Garage Sale Assault Force. It's a 1961 revised printing of Around the Corner (presumably revised to omit the playful limericks of Josef Mengele). No, it was not owned by Rosemary the Namer. She was about thirty years old by the time this book was printed, anyway.

A similar fate should befall all clowns.


Kathy N. owned this copy, and she either lacked the imagination or energy to make up new names for all the characters in the drawings and deface the book with them.

Our focus today is the poem on page 132. It's a bland and mercifully short poem ironically named Something to Think About, by Carolyn Forsyth. It raises the completely un-timelss question of what stoplight lenses will be shaped like in the space age.

The PAG! Research and Googling team was unable to dredge up any information on a poet or writer called Carolyn Forsyth. So, perhaps she career soared just as high as her poetic talents deserved? Three lines, rhyming "cars", "Mars", and "stars". The bar is pretty low for children's literature. If you can't scrape together an idea worth the attention of a grownup, there could be a rewarding future for you writing the forgettable and uninteresting nothingness that fills the pages of most kids' books. Why kids should be punished with the dreary musings of talentless zeros is a mystery.

There's a lot of terrible art in children's literature, too. If you can't draw, consider doing a children's book. Apparently, parents will interpret "shitty" as "charming". This kind of makes sense when you think about how giddy new parents can get over their new baby's first dump. Look how successful the eye-punishing Rugrats cartoon was. The characters looked like monsters. The writing was 10/10, but the animation was 0/9,000,000.

However, the art in this book is really cool. This space painting features some wonderfully outdated notions about spacecraft as well as airplanes. All vessels must be covered in pointy bits! And even some of the pointy bits must be further decorated with pointy bits! Yes, please. In fact, here are the plane and ship from this painting, all alpha channeled and ready to be dropped into whatever document you like. Get your rude finger ready to right click these little creampuffs into your hard drive's hangar in three, two, one, RIGHTCLICKNOW! You're welcome! Don't forget to make some "fooosh"-ing noises with your mouth.


Fuck you, perspective! We've got galaxies to invade explore!




5/27/15

Mister Tee




Joke #1 - "Bonjour! Je suis Monsieur T! Do you 'ave any fools about, so zat I may pity them?" Scene from an earlier, Frencher version of The "A" Team, "L'équipe 'Ah'".

Joke #2 - "Oh! The T on my jacket? It's sort of a 'scarlet letter' thing. Are you sure you want to know? You may regret shaking my hand."

Joke #3 - The introductions at the Global Conference of Letters were all but complete, with the arrival of the final consonant, and all had gone smoothly. But, the security services were still on edge, as the diphthongs were still on their way, and they were always a wild card.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]


5/26/15

Little Ads - Planning your entire life.

Labor day is over. It's time to get back to work. What work? These works! Popular Mechanics has enough careers for you to plan out the rest of your life.

Before you learn the secrets of the "samurai suicide warriors" (hint: it's killing yourself and letting the guilt tear your enemies apart), consider that the information in the 35¢ pamphlet is a year out of date (surplus 1960 printing). The Oxford Studio is prepared to teach you totally outdated methods of killing yourself. Caveat emptor, baby. There's no telling what could go wrong with your combat suicide.


Your opponents may resent your passive-aggressive suicide combat techniques, and beat the crap out of you anyway. Learn to put your teeth back in with a fulfilling career in Dental Mechanicry. Richard Kiel endorses the program.


Crime detection. Gun not included. Hand possibly included.


This ad confirms what we all suspected about attorneys. They're taught with "law-free books".


5/22/15

Modem Family



Joke #1 - "Okay, I've cycled power, and brought him back up after two minutes. He's still tumescent. Now what? Pardon? What? The pills didn't come with any 'special pliers'!"

Joke #2 - "Yep! It's cancer. Thanks doc! This was much more convenient that driving to the hospital."

Joke #3 - "Good news, honey! The doctor says the infection has 'ksssshhhht', whatever that means."

Joke #4 - "Ooooh, I see that your firmware is updated already. Verrrry up...dated."  -I.T. porn scene.

Joke #5 - "Okay, I've extracted the basilic vein from his forearm and stuck it up his nose. What? Shark fin powder on his nipples? No, I don't have.... sigh. Honestly, I was never asked to do anything like this before our clinic's help line was outsourced to Guangzhou."

Joke #6 - "Wups. I'm sorry, sir. With your coverage, your healthcare provider says no procedures will be covered for any claims involving your health, or care, of any kind. Please leave your wallet with the receptionist and, if you could, please throw yourself on the pile of bodies behind the building. Thank you so very much!"

Joke #7 - In 1963, much money was made by clinics offering reverse de-electrolysis treatments, or "rug jobs",  using The Sean Connerizer.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

5/21/15

Popular Mechanics - Science Bryce.

Guess who advertised in Popular Mechanics. Popular Mechanics! This 1961 ad features a terrific standard issue Eisenhower-era Generic White Man doing science. Using science like this, you could build a garage, make a burglar alarm, or build a bunk bed!


You need this guy, whom we will call Science Bryce, on your hard drive. You can use him to punch up all your best memos and notes. Such memos and notes as...



  • It's your birthday, so I'm making dinner tonight, honey.

  • Good news! My genetic simulacrum is pregnant with our doppleganger! Call the replicants!

  • We're out of coffee again.

  • Whoever took it, please return my bubbling vial of glowing fluid. Urgency: medium.

  • I'm leaving you, Gordon. He's twice the man you are and his name is Dwight... or Yngwe. I haven't decided yet.



We've got a graphic Gift for you, because your experiments came in on time and under budget this morning. His name's Bryce. Science Bryce. He's got an alpha channel background and he's ready to science the place up. Who's your buddy?

Get your rude finger to right click this gent into your privately funded research facility in three, two, one.... RIGHTCLICKNOW!!!!







5/20/15

Spuds - Finally, a cigarette that's good for you!......???


So apparently there was a brand of cigarettes called "spuds". Also, apparently, they were good for your cold, helped soothe a hoarse voice, cured your cough, and moistened your throat.

Click for big.

Sure, it was 1943, and we should go easy on them because the scientific method hadn't been invented yet, and nobody knew cigarettes were bad for you, right? Of course not. Let's get started.

What advertisers want most is for you to glance at the ad for a few seconds, accept their message and not look at any small writing. And most of all, do not pay attention to what the copy is very carefully NOT saying... probably because there are laws expressly forbidding them from just lying to you. However, deceptive implications and suggestions are super great. Ads like this from The Past are less sophisticated in the way they try to deceive you, but this still goes on today. Let's identify some logical fallacies.

Good for your cold. "Thousands do this, therefore they must be right." This is a perfect bandwagon fallacy. It's the old "Twenty thousand mothers can't be wrong." argument. They sure can be wrong. Also, the careful use of "seems" eliminates any objectivity and falsifiability from the argument. You can't prove or disprove how something "seems".

"They're not a remedy". A fleeting shred of truth, but then back to the deceit. "But many find them more agreeable". Bandwagon again, along with some of the anecdotal fallacy. In the end they're just comparing the experience of smoking Spuds to other cigarettes. "Pleasing" is subjective. What the ad is not saying is that their cigarettes will heal a stressed throat, but they'd be happy if you got that impression. Assuming that you have to smoke something is a false dilemma fallacy. "You must either smoke spuds or 'ordinary' cigarettes. The other option is smoking nothing, which would be better that anything else.

"Does not produce...acrolein". This is a red herring argument. Absence of acrolein doesn't mean the other compounds present in the smoke aren't bad for you. Their proud acrolien-related announcement is intended to distract you from thinking about all the other myriad chemicals present in cigarette smoke. This statement about acrolein could still be true if the cigarettes created plutonium when burnt.

"Enjoy the feeling...". Subjective and not provable.


"If your throat is over-strained, you better smoke Spuds" (paraphrased). This is another false dilemma argument. better still to stop smoking. To suggest that only Spuds can give this feeling of cool refreshment (something subjective) avoids a lie. Saying "only we can give you this ambiguous thing" is safely meaningless.

It's likely that everyone who worked at the Axton-Fisher Tobacco Company is now dead. It's also likely that everyone who worked there at the time this ad was prouced smoked Spuds. If these two things were verifiable, we could then enjoy the most fun-to-say logical fallacy by assuming that all of the workers are dead because of smoking Spuds. This would be a "post hoc ergo proptor hoc" fallacy, or "after this, because of this". Some of the workers may have, in fact, been killed by the marketing department after announcing that their cigarette line would be called "Spuds".


5/19/15

How to Create your Very-own Tele-Vision Scanning Disk! Behold!

Great news, tele-vision hobby-ists! To-day, Phil Are GO! is proud to bring you detailed instructions for building your own Tele-Vision scanning disk - the heart of your very own home Tele-Vision system! You'll still need other brick-a-brack, such as a light and electric-motor, but any gent on the street will tell you that, by far, the most difficult component to acquire of any Tele-Vision set-up is the Tele-Vision  scanning disk. Here now is a complete article for a perfectly current issue of Popular Science Monthly to show you, yes you, the home Tele-Vision hobby-ist how to make your own! How splendid!

Simply click each electro-photo with your computo-mouse to view each in a clearer, easier-to-read version.



"But wait, you bastard!" you may well be shouting. What in The World is on the Tele-Vision here in 1931? This is a fair question. Let me tell you there are ever so many programmes on your new Tele-Vision apparatus, from fisticuffs to piano instruction and a wonderful programme about Tele-Vision itself: Television Today! Observe such a list as this...

  • Exhibition Boxing Bouts premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931–1932)
  • Hints for Swimmers premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931)
  • Piano Lessons premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931–1932).
  • The Television Ghost premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931–1933).
  • Television Today premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931).
  • W2XAB debuts music segments with Doris Sharp, Elliot Jaffee, Grace Yeager, Harriet Lee, and Helen Haynes, among others.
  • W2XCD debuts a semi-regular segment with singer Alice Remsen.

Please view this electro-film to see how your Tele-Vision apparatus will look once you complete your Scanning Disk...