7/22/16

The Magic Trick



Joke #1 - One of the many ugly consequences of over-foresting ladies.

Joke #2 - "Build a bridge out of her!"

Joke #3 - Donald Trump, trying to find some way to discourage his supporters.

Joke #4 - Aw jeez. He really oughta be using a hollow-ground blade, or her edges are just gonna fuzz right up, dontchaknow.

Joke #5 - The Amazing Lester was running out of ideas to get his wife out of bed in time for work.

Joke #6 - Hey, if he's not careful, that one support thingy is gonna bonk her right in the chin and be all dangerous and stuff.

Joke #7 - Sheesh. He ain't even usin' a miter saw! It's gettin' so people don't care how they cut their wife in half no more. Craftsmanship, ya know? Darn shame.

Joke #8 - Sid Caesarean section.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


7/21/16

Kooking Kornir - Insolent Fish Paste Mockery.


Pathetic creatures of Earth! If you are like me, Oteogg, Conquerer of All Space, you are intolerant of insolent subcreatures! I sure know I am like me! These uppity morsels must be put in their place! Their place is in one of your three digestive chambers, deep within your thorax! Hah! This day, we will prepare an insolent fish for mockery and devouring!

Observe this serving suggestion with your eyestalks or be destroyed!!!!

Begin by acquiring a fish of non-specific species! Do not waste my time with your mewlings of "but certain types of fish must be prepared in specific ways, O mighty Oteogg". SILENCE!!! You will also be devoured in due time for your insolence! If I spent all day determining the species of creatures, I would have very little time for the devouring of them! Now you've gone and made me angry!!!!

"Fish" are aquatic creatures commonly found in water! They think they are just sooo clever! Begin your fish search by removing all water from Earth with your ship's forward thermal cannon! Set your thermal cannon's heat setting to "most of it" and treat the planet for approximately nine minutes! Then, after making planetfall, descend from your vessel and select one of the fish that is still thrashing around in the mud, gasping its last! It has spirit! It must be destroyed!!! Return to your ship's galley with the insolent fish!

Place the insolent fish in a medium fish blender! Using the "destroy" setting, reduce the fish to a slurry, and then storm out of the room to let it think about what it has done! Do not be moved by its pleas for mercy! Quickly return to the room in a rage, shouting into the blender "YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN, SUBCREATURE!!!". Then, stab the "eliminate" button on your blender! This will reduce the fish to a Frothy Liquid! Do not forget to put on the lid! You do not want fish insolence sprayed all over your nice, clean galley! Unless that's what you are into, in which case that would be what you do, in fact, want! You do you, baby!!!

The fish is nearly ready for the final humiliation!

Select a fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form from your wall of artfully displayed Nutrient Compression Forms! Slam the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form down on the table next to the blender and shout the following at the blender: "I DID NOT WANT IT TO COME TO THIS, BUT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!" Then, laugh with child-like glee!

Pour the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form, in hideous mockery of its previous self! Then shout "SEE? I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT! YOU MADE ME DO IT!!!" Place the Nutrient Compression Form containing the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into your refrigerator overnight to chill, to become gelatinous, and to reflect on its crimes with all gelatinous shame.

The following day, your Insolent Fish Paste Mockery will be ready to serve to your unappreciative crew! They have no idea what you do for them! You work and you slave! All they do in return is cower in insolent terror! As you watch your crew timidly devour the Insolent Fish Paste Mockery, slowly reach for your crew-shaped Nutrient Compression Form!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!!!

Communication ends!


7/20/16

A visit from The Bees.


7/14/16

Seagram's V.O. - The Supermarket of the Future!

Ever wonder what was up in 1945? Well on September 2nd, a crazy misunderstanding called Double-You Double-You Eye-Eye stopped happening, and everybody was all "No Way! Really? GTFO." Twenty-four hours later, this issue of LIFE magazine hit the shelves, and Seagram's was already planning our bright, efficient future. They didn't waste any time, did they?

Behold, the Supermarket of the Future, as envisioned by a whisky manufacturer. It's good to know how we're all buying food now, isn't it?




The shiny and efficient future we all enjoy today was foreseen in nearly every sharp detail by the wizards at Seagram's. How did they know?






We've come a long way, baby. Thank god the Greatest Generation was there in '45 to ensure this glowing future of wisdom and freedom, which they themselves could not possibly have fully envisioned, no matter how much Seagram's V.O. they drank.

If you simply must see more shining visions of our victorious retail dream of modernity, you can probably find more than you can deal with over at PeopleOfWalmart. Seagram's has got you covered if you feel the need for a drink afterward, which is more than likely.

Click for 1600 px.



7/13/16

Crate Squat Chalk Talk



Joke #1 - "Brad, there are some problems that just can't be solved using the old Tic-Tac-Toe-Tac-Toe-Tic-Tic-Toe-Tac model."

Joke #2 - "The first group will deliver the concrete around noon, and by three we should be able to... Hey, my eyes are up here, sunshine."

Joke #3 - Oh, god. The foreman was doing one of his site reviews, and he had brought his crate. Man, somebody needed to swap that thing out for a taller one. It would make it easier to pay attention to what the foreman was saying, and definitely reduce the "stare deep into my groin" factor. Why did he have to scootch so damn close? Man oh man...thank Sears for the robust stitching on their Toughskins khakis, though.

Joke #4 - "Ya see, Brad, when you're been foreman as long as I have, you learn a few little tricks of the trade. For example, mine is a long day, right? And I do a lot of squatting. Turns out this here milk crate is just high enough to help me out with some serious long-term squattage. Of course, it helps if you got a 'trick pelvis' like me. Funny thing about my trick pelvis. I got it back in Imjin. There I was doing some pilates in a tree top when this North Korean sniper get's the drop on me from about fifty clicks out. Now, I like my pubis as much as the next guy, but when I have to choose between it and my platoon, you know what I had to do...."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]



7/12/16

Milan Plaza Court Motel - The center of Tennessee's fashion district.

If you're planning on attending this year's 1958 Ultimate Global Fashion Conference, here at ground zero of the world's fashion market, Milan, Tennessee, please consider staying with us at the Milan Plaza Court Motel... "where every court is also a plaza"!






Your visit begins at the historic "front office", where you can also renew your license plates and buy some bait, for your unskippable trip to the Milan Plaza Court Fishin' Hole, where we say "Mmmmm-MMM! That's good hole!"







You'll want to stop by your room next, so you can put your luggage away and change into your swimmin' costume. Don't forget to be fashionable!

Awnings cover each window, and are included in the price of the room. We think you'll find them downright homey!

Wooooo, nelly! Grab a eyeload of the bathing beauties over at the cement pond! That's what old Verne's doing! Verne ain't no fool!

The lawn chairs are provided as a convenience feature for our guests, and should be distributed to each, as befits his or her sitting needs... except that one chair where the strappy things are coming unwoven. We'll get right on that directly, probably this weekend. Just fold it up and set it aside.


You'll probably forget all about the outside world during your stay, but should you need to reach out to those poor folks not staying at the Milan Plaza Court, you'll find a telephone in every singe room! An additional phone can be found at the check-in desk. Calls are free, so long as you don't yammer on too long. Fran's expecting a call from her foot doctor about her corns.


One super sure-fire don't-miss feature you won't want to miss is our fabled and anciently mythical Hanging Gardens of Milan! How'd they get there? Noooo-body knoooows! Please buy a keychain at the gift counter, to commemorate your visit to the Hanging Gardens at the Milan Plaza Court Motel!

The Milan Plaza Court Motel - where there's always vacancy in our hearts... for YOU!



Click for 1600 px.
UPDATE: Diligent Reader John S. has just come back from the lab with this newly isolated Plaza Court Motel sign. Enhance the curb appeal of all your jpegs and stuff with this mid-century modern googie-style Milan Plaza Court neon sign. Make the Plaza Court Motel everywhere you wanna be! John says we're welcome!

Click for big.

Serving suggestion only. You may or may not live in war-torn Warsaw.
UPDATE to the UPDATE: Alert Reader Cyclotronboy has probably located the location of the Milan Plaza Court's location in The Google. He also lends some insight about pool removal. Thanks, CTB! His observations below the embedded GM window.



"Google Maps suggests that at the corner of 45E, 70A, and 79 is at the present-day corner of S 1st and W Van Hook St, c.f. http://tinyurl.com/hn6ogzb I suspect that the now-closed Executive Inn & Suites is the ancestral home of the Milan Court Plaza. Usually when a place undergoes massive restructuring and remodeling, a pool is left in place due to the costs of moving it. So I think it's probable that the pool in the postcard is the same pool on Google Earth."